Violin Jokes:
1) What's the difference between a violin and a viola? There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
2) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle? A fiddle is fun to listen to.
3) Why are viola jokes so short? So violinists can understand them.
4) How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog? The dog knows when to stop scratching.
5) How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They can't get up that high!
6) String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
7) Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile? Both are offensive and inaccurate.
8) Why don't viola players suffer from "piles" (hemorrhoids)? Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.
9) What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
10) Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument? Violins don't have spit valves.
11) Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin? You might bend the nail.
12) A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin." His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
13) Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."
14) "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
Viola Jokes:
Viola jokes are on my viola jokes page, Viola Jokes Part 1. These jokes have enjoyed wide publicity. They have been mentioned in such places as Alex Beam's Boston Globe column on Wednesday, November 30, 1994 (p. 65), John Hayward-Warburton's article in BBC Music, and Dave Barry's book Dave Barry in Cyberspace (pp. 153-4). I also collect Jokes about other instruments.
15) How is lightning like a violist's fingers? Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
16) How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? Put it in a viola case.
17) What's the difference between a violin and a viola? The viola burns longer. The viola holds more beer. You can tune the violin.
18) We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer? It's usually still in the case.
19) How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
20) How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando? Mark it "solo."
21) What's the difference between a viola and a coffin? The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
22) What do you do with a dead violist? Move him back a desk.
23) What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
24) What's the difference between a viola and an onion? No one cries when you cut up a viola.
25) What's the definition of a minor second? Two violists playing in unison.
26) What's the definition of "perfect pitch?" Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.
27) Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses? They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
28) What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist? The seamstress tucks up the frills.
29) What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist? Vibrato.
30) Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola? It saves time.
31) How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune? The bow is moving.
32) How was the canon invented? Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.
33) Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants? They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.
34) Why is a viola solo like a bomb? By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
35) Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation? Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
36) Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars? So they can park in "handicapped" parking places. If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.
37) Why don't violists play hide and seek? Because no one will look for them.
38) Why do violists smile when they play? Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.
39) Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering? Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
40) What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road? Skid marks before the skunk.
41) How do you get a violin to sound like a viola? Sit in the back and don't play. Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
42) If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers) The violist, the soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions. Who cares?
43) A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first, and why? The conductor. Business before pleasure.
44) What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto? Music Minus One
45) What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
46) What is the range of a Viola? As far as you can kick it.
47) What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common? They're both offensive and inaccurate.
48) Why are violas so large? It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large; just that the viola players' heads are so small.
49) What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola? If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.
50) What is the definition of a cluster chord? A viola section playing on the C string.
51) Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama- Sutra? All those positions!
52) If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for; a good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis? The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.
53) Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it? You could fit in at least one more.
54) How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They're not small enough to fit.
55) Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case? They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.
56) Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case? They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.
57) What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? Half a measure a semi-tone.
58) Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording? Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
59) Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes? The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
60) Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany? Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.
61) Why can't a violist play with a knife in his back? Because he can't lean back in his chair.
62) What instrument do violists envy most? The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.
63) What's another name for viola auditions? Scratch lottery.
64) What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute? A prostitute knows more than two positions. Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.
65) What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute? Both are paid to fake climaxes.
66) How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune? Shoot 11 of them. Shoot all of them. Who the hell wants a dozen violists?!
67) What's the latest crime wave in New York City? Drive-by viola recitals.
68) How does a violist's brain cell die? Alone.
69) How do you call a violist with two brain cells? Pregnant.
70) Why do violists have pea-sized brains? Because alcohol has swelled them.
71) How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies? Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M & M's.
72) What's the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra? Neither has played together since 1970.
73) What is the longest viola joke? Harold in Italy
74) What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub? Vegetable soup.
75) Did you hear about the violist who played in tune? Neither did I.
76) What is the main requirement at the "International Viola Competition?" Hold the viola from memory.
77) Why did the violist marry the accordion player? Upward mobility.
78) How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola? Divide the metronome marking by 2.
79) Why do you always bury a viola player three feet under? Because deep down they are all very nice people.
80) How do you keep a violist from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
81) Note: the following joke is very funny in German, but doesn't translate well into English. Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche? Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage. (What are the three positions of the viola? First position, emergency, and defeat.)
Cello Jokes:
82) How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo? Write "pp, espressivo"
83) How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin.
Bass Jokes:
84) Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?
85) How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
86) How do you make a double bass sound in tune? Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
87) How many bass players does it take to change a light- bulb? 1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)
88) A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?" The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"
89) At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight." The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
90) Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house. Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was. "Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes, "BOOM Boom Boom Boom" -well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time."
91) There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow"! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time. A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time. Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while." After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"
Lute Jokes:
92) Lute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
Harp Jokes:
93) Why are harps like elderly parents? Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
94) How long does a harp stay in tune? About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.
95) What's the definition of a quarter tone? A harpist tuning unison strings.
Piano Jokes: 
96) What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.
97) What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major.
98) Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright? Because it makes a much bigger ka-boom when dropped over a cliff.
99)Why was the piano invented? So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
100) The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"
Organ Jokes:
Even though I'm a violist, I realize that the organ is not a string instrument. I put the organ jokes here because I thought it made sense to put them next to the piano jokes.
101) What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments? He puts his Leslie on "slow".
102) The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding, we sense the Majesty of God and in its ending, we know the Grace of God.
Woodwinds
Flute/Piccolo Jokes: 
103) How do you get two piccolos to play in unison? Shoot one.
104) Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
Double Reed Jokes:
105) Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? The bassoon burns longer.
106) What is a burning oboe good for? Setting a bassoon on fire.
107) What is the definition of a half step? Two oboes playing in unison.
108) What is the definition of a major second? Two baroque oboes playing in unison.
109) How do you get an oboist to play "A flat"? Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.
110) Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital.
111) What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist? A bad oboist can kill you.
Clarinet Jokes:
112) How many clarinetists does it take to change a light-bulb? Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
113) What's the definition of "nerd?" Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
114) What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted.
Saxophone Jokes:
You might notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so many jokes - the saxophone, for instance.
115) How many alto sax players does it take to change a Light-bulb? Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
116) What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower? Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it. The grip.
117) What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw? The exhaust.
118) The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now." He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"
119) Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.
Trumpet Jokes:
120) How many trumpet players does it take to change a Light-bulb? Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
121) What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse? I don't know either.
122) What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
123) How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other? "Hi. I'm better than you." How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? The doorbell shrieks!
124) Why can't a gorilla play trumpet? He's too sensitive.
125) In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"
Trombone Jokes:
126) What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw? Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
127) How can you make a French-horn sound like a trombone? Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!
128) How do you know when a trombone player is at your door? The doorbell drags.
129) What is a gentleman? Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
130) What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone? An optimist.
131) What is the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road? The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.
132) How many trombonists does it take to change a Light-bulb? Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
133) How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door? His hat says "Domino's Pizza"
134) How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car? Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
135) What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs? "Year-At-A-Glance."
136) How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist? He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.
137) What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone? On or off.
138) It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!
French Horn Jokes:
139) How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section? Have them miss every other note.
140) How can you make a trombone sound like a French-horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
141) What is the difference between a French-horn section and a '57 Chevy? You can tune a '57 Chevy.
142) What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost? A goal-post that can't march.
143) How many French horn players does it take to change a light-bulb? Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
144) Why is the French horn a divine instrument? Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.
145) How do horn players traditionally greet each other? "Hi. I played that last year." "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
146) A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!" The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"
Tuba Jokes:
147) What's the range of a tuba? Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
148) How many tuba players does it take to change a light- bulb? Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.
149) What's a tuba for? 1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut." Note: in the USA, a 2 x 4 is a two-inch by four-inch piece of wood, which actually measures 1 1/2 inches by 3 1/2 inches.
150) How do you fix a broken tuba? With tuba glue.
151) These two tuba players walk past a bar... Well, it could happen!
Percussionist Jokes:
152) Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
153) What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A drummer.
154) What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool.
155) How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door? The knock always slows down.
156) How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando? Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
157) Why do bands have bass players? To translate for the drummer.
158) Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car? It took two hours to get the drummer out.
159) How many drummers does it take to change a light-bulb? "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?" Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb). Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. None. They have a machine to do that.
160) Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses? So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
161) What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
162) Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"
163) In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes." Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way. Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile. "You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment." "But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?" "No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared. Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat. "Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we playing?" Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give me heavy after-beats on 7 and 13."
164) A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please." The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there." After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?" The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
Bodhran Jokes:
165) What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians? A bodhran player.
166) What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathizers.
167) How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front door? The knocking gets faster and faster and faster.
168) What do bodhran players use for birth control? Their personalities.
169) What's the best thing to play a bodhran with? A razor blade.
Vocalist
Soprano Jokes:
170) If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers) The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions. Who cares?
171) What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
172) What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana? The lipstick.
173) What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull? The jewelry.
174) How many sopranos does it take to change a light-bulb? One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.
175) What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman? Stage makeup.
176) What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? About 10 pounds.
177) How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat? Some people actually like sewer rats.
178) What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra? One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
179) How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead? The horses seem very relieved.
180) What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning? Puts on her clothes and goes home.
181) What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning? Looks for her instrument.
182) What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche? Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.
183) What's the definition of an alto? A soprano who can sight-read.
184) A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing."
Vocalist Alto Jokes:
185) What's the difference between an alto and a tenor? Tenors don't have hair on their backs.
186) How many altos does it take to screw in a light-bulb? None. They can't get that high. Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"
Vocalist Tenor Jokes:
187) How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.
188) What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt? A tenor.
189) How do you tell if a tenor is dead? The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
190) How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
191) Where is a tenor's resonance? Where his brain should be.
192) What's the definition of a male quartet? Three men and a tenor.
193) Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would only sing three title roles: Othello, Samson, and Forza del Destino? (true story)
194) If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.
Vocalist Bass Jokes:
195) How do you tell if a bass is actually dead? Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).
196) How do you tell if a bass is dead? What's the difference? Who cares?
197) In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred? The "statue" starts looking a bit stiff.
198) How many basses does it take to change a light-bulb? None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.
High School Chorus Jokes:
199) What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance? The tennis final has more men.
200) How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus? On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
201) What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance? The performance causes more suffering.
201) Why do high school choruses travel so often? Keeps assassins guessing.
202) What's the definition of an optimist? A choral director with a mortgage.
203) What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee? It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.
Folk/Rock/Popular Music and
Banjo Jokes:
204) What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
205) What's the least-used sentence in the English language? "Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
206) What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise?"
207) There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.
208) Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."
Guitar Jokes:
209) What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth? The stage is level.
210) How many guitar players does it take to change a light- bulb? Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.
211) How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Give him some sheet music.
212) What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common. Both suck when you plug them in.
213) How do you make a bass player turn down the volume? Put a chart in front of him.
214) How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb? None--they just steal somebody else's light.
215) What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? Counterpoint.
216) What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on? He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
217) What's the best thing to play on a guitar? Solitaire.
218) How many bass players does it take to change a Light-bulb? None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand. Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice. One, but the guitarist has to show him first. Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
219) In the 22nd century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source? Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
220) Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
Accordion Jokes:
221) If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first? Who cares?
222) What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion? The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
223) What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
224) What's a bassoon good for? Kindling for an accordion fire.
225) What's an accordion good for? Learning how to fold a map.
226) What do you call a group of topless female accordion players? Ladies in Pain.
227) Bumper Stickers: Play an accordion - go to jail! Three rows and you're out!
228) Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public: Violinist: 25 feet Bad Violinist: 50 feet Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet Accordionist: 60 miles.
Chang Jokes:
A "Chang" is a Central Asian instrument (from countries such as Uzbekistan). It's something like a hammered dulcimer with a damper pedal.
229) How long does it take to tune a chang? Nobody knows.
230) Why is it so difficult to tune a chang? So that violist can feel superior about something.
231) How many chang players does it take to change a